Monday, June 10, 2013

Fuck Yeah, Teen Wolf - Season 3 Episode 1: I am Disappoint

Anyone else get disappointed by "Tattoo"? (Spoilers)

Welcome to a wall of text. [Insert appropriate meme here] Yes, I know, this was exactly what you were hoping for. I just made your day - no thanks necessary.

Like a lot of other people, I thought Teen Wolf would be just another low-quality teen show that I would dislike, and only watch when I was bored and there was nothing else to watch. To my surprise, I absolutely loved it (the plot, characters, actors, script, graphics (despite the bad CGI), score/soundtrack, etc), and it's now one of the few shows that I actually look forward to watching.

That said, I found the first episode of season 3 to be underwhelming, disappointing and anticlimactic. Here's why - plus random commentary (I'm watching it again as I write, you can of course skip this part - which is completely understandable - or try to bear with me.):

- The Girl/Supernatural Biker Chick was a fresh and interesting character, and although the actress was very attractive (the most attractive out of all the girls, IMO), she was lacking in the acting skills department. To be fair, she wasn't given much to work with script wise, so it might not be entirely her fault. Hopefully she'll get better, because she will almost definitely be back. Watch this space.

- The motorcycle scene was creepy at times, but generally unexciting. It also had some seriously bad CGI, but that's how Teen Wolf rolls. It's a part of the charm. Haha! Still, the cheesy lines, the bad line delivery and the low-budget CGI, made it seem like something out of Sharktopus. Okay, that might be an unfair comparison, but you know that was a funny line.

- What's up with the twins merging into Wolverine on 'roids? Is this X-Men? And how did their pants suddenly become one pair of pants? Are their pants also supernatural?

- I don't remember the set looking this unrealistic before. For instance, the outside of the tattoo shop looked more like a set than a real place.

- I understand that the writers had to explain both Scott's new tattoo (Tyler Posey's actual tattoo) and Jackson's sudden absence (Colton Haynes leaving the show), but I thought the explanations were quite lame and just didn't seem natural. The topic of both the tattoo and Jackson seemed forced. Scott's tattoo especially, as it was given so much attention/emphasis and "screen time" in the first episode, which seemed superfluous and wasteful. I thought it was quite noticeable that this was something that wasn't originally a part of the plot, but something the writers decided/had to write in later on.

- What's up with Scott's "one arm pull-ups" while reading a book? Yes, I know it was supposed to be funny, and it was, but was I laughing with or at the writers? Not sure. Let's hope that one was just an ephemeral slip in judgment.

- Lydia likes 14-year-olds? Come on, now. Apropos the 14-year-olds, are they using the same 'roids as Wolveri (plural form)? Where are they getting their juice? And don't tell me their mothers do all the grocery shopping.

- Yup, it's totally normal for a nurse to walk around barefoot, and those long ass, pointy toenails makes her especially inconspicuous. Nice nail polish, though.

- Oh, look, it's a scene from The Birds. Even the special effects seem to be an homage to the ol' classic. OooOOoo, eerie music. That part I actually like.

- Yikes, what's with the nasty long claws sticking out of the medical gloves? Aren't those retractable? You would think it would be a good idea to actually, you know, retract them while trying to be incognito. I think the cataract affected British Denis Leary needs to have talk with his pack, and tell them to get their *beep* together.

- The rave music is totally fitting for a werewolf fight scene in the hospital. I do think they should've added some smoke and laser lights, though. Glow stick necklaces would be awesome, but that would be asking too much of the writers. Side note: don't elevators usually have surveillance cameras? Can't they get caught? Hahaha! What am I talking about? This hospital doesn't even notice werewolves in medical staff's clothing (see what I did there?). Well, then... carry on!

- Something is definitely up with that new teacher. BTW, is she going to be someone's love interest? Stiles perhaps? What's up with the touching, y'all? Nah, probably not. Come to think of it, someone mentioned Derek; is this going to be the woman Derek will take as a lovah? Why, Derek, I thought Stiles was your one and only true love? Albeit, he doesn't know that yet. *Tsk tsk* Such a misguided soul.

- When did Stiles talk about Chris Argent being "an experienced hunter" around his father? Isn't he the clever one? Did I miss something? And if Chris once was "an experienced hunter," why would Stiles' dad take Chris basically telling him that he suddenly became an ignoramus/amnesiac when he stopped hunting as the truth? I'm guessing it was more of a mutual understanding/reading between the lines kinda thing: "Chris Argent does not want to talk about his hunting skills, so I'll let it go"? Whatever, not important.

- So the county took over Derek's house. And where does Derek live now? And how does he make a living so he can, you know, pay the bills? Or did they explain this in the previous seasons, because I can't recall it ever being mentioned? Let me guess, insurance money?

- Yes, of course. The return of the oh so important tattoo. Isaac might be in need of immediate help because he's not healing from the alpha wounds on the inside, but forget that, this is the perfect moment for Scott to start talking about how Derek can pay him back by doing something super important for him right now. Yes, by all means, let's interrupt Derek while he's trying to save Isaac from dying. After all, it's Scott's super relevant tattoo we're talking about here!

- Okay. The Girl/Supernatural Biker Chick is one hot ladeh. Like, model hot. The other girls are attractive too, but they're, like, normal hot. Just like Scott, well, at least Stiles are normal hot, but Derek and Jackson are/were model hot - especially Jackson. KnowwhatImean? Of course you do. Moving on! Why is Allison just standing there, letting that crazeh pretty girl (who's looking for her ex-boyfriend, I might add) just grab her like that? Let's not forget who was beating up guys and trying to kill her werewolf peers last season. Allison is no shrinking wolfsbane when it comes to violence, so what happened? When did Lydia become the one with the biggest ovaries? As a matter of fact, why are they both just standing there while a strange girl is grabbing them by the wrist? At first I thought The Girl was reading them, like a psychic, but now I'm not so sure.

- Those twins have some really strange features - no offense. Someone mentioned a likeness to Matt Damon, yeah, I know exactly what they were talking about. Indeed, they do look like Matt Damon - the same way Rumer Willis looks like Bruce Willis, if you catch my drift? God, I feel horrible now. Forgive me.

- OoOooOo! Matching supernatural scarification! Twinzies! Totes BFFs, teehee!

- A hospital where no one notices werewolves just walking around with their claws out, a town where people get killed all the time under strange circumstances and nobody really makes a big deal out of it, and a sheriff who seems to miss absolutely everything. Yeah, I think it might be something in the water too, Sheriff Stilinski. Vodka perhaps? BTW, what's up with not knowing Stilinski & Son's first name? Whatever. Let's move on.

- Wow. Deaton The Brujo, the guy who understands and knows everything, suddenly doesn't understand or know something? And was about to seek help from the guy who understands and knows nothing? Flabbergasting, I say!

- Ahhh, finally. Scott's tattoo. I feared I would never see or hear about it again, because all that other stuff was just not enough. The whole time when everything else that was important to the plot happened, I was like, "whyyyy?! I NEED to know WHY he got that intricate, elaborate tattoo! Sure, he said he did it just because he liked it, but I know there's a deeper meaning to this tribal version of the 90s arm bracelet!" Then the writers came to the rescue. Thank GOD.

- "Why is this so important to you?" asks Derek. Yes, why, Scott? The deep and emotional music means something deep and emotional is happening - in case we don't get it. But we totally get it, this is some deep and emotional s**t. *Listens empathetically* Aaaaand it's about Allison. Riveting story, Scott. Really. To be fair, he's a teenager, so I'll give him a pass. Welcome to fictional real life, kid.

- "...Like an open wound." Wow, the way Stiles finished Scott's sentence... I've got chills, man. So damn intuitive! How did he know? Sure he's not supernatural? That Stiles... *Smiling to myself while shaking my head*

- Derek totally touched Stiles' nipple. That was hot - literally. Look at that blowtorch! Blowtorch? Man, Derek be droppin' hints up in HEAH!

- Derek asking the fully human, skinny, faint-hearted Stiles to hold down the physically superior, super strong, werewolf Scott - makes total and perfect sense. Speaking of bullcrap, that's some mighty impressive work Derek did with that blowtorch (grrrr, Stiles has a bright future ahead of him). Is that how he makes a living? Because I'm sure he could get rich off of those unbelievable skills. Emphasis on the "un" part.

- Yes, trap yourself in a dark locker room where you can get easily killed. Have you not seen any horror flicks?! COME ON! Oh, but I see you're familiar with Coming to America? The Arsenio Hall move? What?! The Gurrrl, go on with your bad self!

- Oh gaw-! *SIGH* Scott's tattoo. Yay. "Everything's so... ephemeral." Yes, Scott, everything BUT the explanation for that goddamn tattoo. I used to really like that tattoo, but then the writers made me want to take a bullet to the head.

- Scott discovers that Derek has painted his door. Scott wonders why he painted the door. Derek gives an evasive answer. Scott wonders, why only one side? Wow, the claws are out - literally. Ah, he's just scratching some of the paint off. (...) Well, that escalated quickly. Hoookaaaay. Easy there, werewolf. And he uncovers a triskelion, and apparently this version (unlike Derek's) is the swastika's three-legged, disabled brother. Cute.

- Is The Girl the counselor's younger sister? You know, since every black character with more than two lines is somehow related to The Brujo? Except Boyd, that is. Anyway, this girl is kicking some serious ass! Unfortunately, her broom skills are no match for the neglected toenails of an alpha. Oof! The British Denis Leary needs to get to a brujo and get those eyes checked ASAP. Because he obviously can't see a doctor. (Get it? See a doctor? Aw, forget it.) Cataracts are not the only things he's got going here, but also a serious case of hardcore pink eye. Definitely bad ass. Bad. Ass.

- When did creepy guy Isaac become somewhat hot? And more importantly, how?

- "Because I know something! You're afraid of him." That line delivery was absolutely horrible. Just horrible. Beautiful... but so much better when she doesn't speak. Is she dead? I don't know. What I do know, though, is that if she lives, she will most likely have a serious case of pink eye. But, fear not! A psychic needs not eyes to see. That was deep. I thought I would point that out, as I'm lacking ideas on how to make deep music play here. Will we see more of her? I'm quite positive we will, yes. The character seems too big and important for her to get killed off in the first episode, or at least to never appear again. Also, the actress herself has been hinting at her return on her Twitter. So, there you go.

- So, these two girls have had quite the traumatic day at school today, yet here they are talking about which color they would want to paint on Allison's wall. Yep, definitely vodka in the water, all right. "Oh em gee, Lydia, look. Our twinzie bruises - it's a sign. It's literally a sign! Anyway, I like the blue color."

- Boyd and Erica locked up in a cellar. Well, at least it's a more romantic love story than the one between Beecher and Keller. Yes, that was a rhyme. Please don't judge me, I'm tired. Which is also why you should gracefully ignore any typo that might have appeared in my Teen Wolf thesis.

Woah. Well, that got much longer than I ever planned - my apologies. If you read all of that, then I salute you. You, my friend, are in possession of super human concentration. How fitting. I hope it was worth it, and that I at least managed to entertain you a little. If not, well, things that come for free have no money-back guarantee. And that might just become my signature.